NOT: free of sin?

In religious context, it is generally known to be/considered a sin to hate yourself - but a sin is just, what it is, it is not necessarily a crime (although, on the contrary, it is common belief that a crime (any crime) is indeed sinful - because all crimes are bad, and bad = sin).

However, some things are both a crime, and sin, like a 2-in-1 package. For example, 'fornication', is one such "package". That's if, of course, your religion does not condone it (mine doesn't, as far as I know - and even though I haven't been a very devout follower, I still have to respect that it does indeed fall under the laws of my religion). It's definitely a crime (that is, under the judicial system/code of law) - I won't argue that. 'Oral sex' is another similar example (now, now, I didn't say anything about being anti fornication & oral sex, I am simply trying to provide you, the reader, with examples, so that you may better understand the point of which I myself am trying to grasp - think better I stop before I leave myself, and you, the reader, with an undeserved headache).

All right. So back to 'hating oneself'. Hating oneself (for the most part) is a sin. ONLY a sin. I guess that means it isn't so bad? Or just not AS bad as fornication/oral sex (consoling myself, am I? Or simply prattling. You be the judge - I'll try to be impervious for your sake).

I'm sure it is common for most people to hate themselves (from time to time) or something about themselves (unless you're a full-blown narcissist) at the very least. But what happens if that feeling occurs too often? Is it unhealthy to feel that way almost on a daily basis? If so, what can be done to counter/curb/minimise it? Is there a name for which to call it? Why, and how does one end up feeling like he/she hates his/herself ever so often? And how can, and do you make it stop? So many questions. Who has the answers?(yet another question) I guess this would be my cue to -sigh-

I hate a lot about myself. Perhaps TOO much.

For one, I hate that stupid paunch I've been carrying around since I can't even remember. Regardless of whether I lose or gain weight, it NEVER goes away.

I hate my hair. Not only is it an unruly, tangled mess, it's extremely dry and brittle and just, horrible. And it doesn't help to keep brushing it because that will only make it more frizzy. It's a lot like actual hay - my hair. Put the two together and you might not be able to differentiate one from the other.

I hate my neither here nor there-sized nose. And the fact that it has a steadily increasing population of black heads. PLUS, it perspires! (I get that from my mother's side of the family, by the way). My grandmother perspires on her nose, and I guess I do too 'cos we share the same birthday (possibly)? I mean, why couldn't I have inherited a more desirable physical attribute that could/would have contributed to physical attractiveness (of which I lack considerably) - like the pointed nose! (alright I better move on before I start to hyperventilate.)

My lips are awful. I hate the ill shade of pink (<--- see that? they're NOTHING like it) that they are. They aren't even properly shaped! And as if they couldn't possibly get more revolting, they've got an icky, grey-ish perimeter. Are you getting the picture?

OK. Enough said about the lips.

I HATE MY EYES. In most cases, you either HAVE double eyelids, or you don't. My eyelids, oddly enough, choose to hide and expose themselves as and when they please.

I absolutely abhor my big, BROAD jaws!!! My dad once asked me "where can you find a right angle?" and I naively replied "uhh at the corner where the bottom of the wall and floor meet?" so came his "amusing" reply: "no lah where else but your face!" (I wonder if he even realizes I got it from HIM) I also get a lot of "are you the chubbier twin?" DESPITE the fact that I weigh at least 3 kilos lighter than her, because of my ugly square jaw.

Why couldn't the 'big, broad' part be transferred to my narrow shoulders (yet another disappointment)???

I hate my far-from-ample bossoms - they make me look perpetually twelve.

I hate that I had an "interrupted growth", resulting in my inadequate body length; my short limbs (some short ppl have long limbs, don't ask me how that's possible - it just doesn't sound correct - I am aware).

I seriously could go on listing more physical attributes about myself that I hate, but that would take forever, and frankly, I'm not prepared to invest THAT much time on this, let alone the entire blog.

I guess the thing that I hate most about myself lies inside me (NO, I'm NOT pregnant, nor have I a "third twin").

It's my soul that I hate (yes that THING that makes up a person, that THING that determines whether you are good, or bad). SO bad, that it hurts my heart (and I don't just mean metaphorically though it may sound like I'm trying to over-dramatize the whole thing - well maybe I am, a tad).

I believe that my soul has turned bad - sort of the way food turns bad, over time. I'm not entirely sure why or how it happened, and I'm kind of dreading having to process/analyze everything even though I'm well aware of the importance in doing so, in order to initialize any form of recovery at all. I guess it just scares me, having to think about EVERYTHING collectively, you know?

I hate hurting her over and over again, when deep in my heart I know, I KNOW. I really don't mean to. I know it sounds like your average lame excuse with the hope of redemption, but it honestly isn't.
See the thing is, she has trouble believing me because according to her, I've "said it all before" - I just keep giving me more reasons to HATE MYSELF. URGH. It's like, a neverending process!

Will somebody teach me how to love myself again?

I really want to believe there is still hope for me.